REMEMBER
by Lost Mercenary
Summary: Set in the aftermath of FF7. After losing the one he loves, Cloud attempts suicide.


REMEMBER  
  
By Lost Mercenary  
  
I wish I could say that our adventure had been a happy one. We all became heroes. We were loved. We had a story to tell our grandchildren. However, it had been a war and in war, you lose friends. I lost a friend and I still cannot forget her. I cannot forget anything about her. An image of her has branded itself on my mind's eye and everywhere I go and everything I see, it is she. Always her.  
  
After my friends and I prevented the destruction of our world by a terrible spell that summoned a meteor, we gradually split apart and returned to our homes across the world. Except for me. My memories captured me and tortured me, twisting my soul. Whenever I received blessed and greedy sleep, I was cursed with nightmares of the past. I saw the cold steel slip into her rosy pink flesh, over and over again. I saw her eyes, wide with surprise, begging for help. Like some hellish broken record these images continued until I could bear them no more. I began my personal journey to find her. To find an answer for her pain.  
  
I returned to all of the places we visited back in those days. I went back to Rocket Town, Corel, Junon, and so many other locations. I went back to the ruins of Midgar, set against a background of gigantic mountains and a riveting blue sky. I walked through the slums and pointed out the places where I had been with her. I saw the playground, the rubble that was once Don Corneo's mansion, and the ruined Shinra Building. As I wandered through the slums, I realized that I missed the constant stench of Midgar, the litter strewn abroad, and the way the smog stung my lungs. I missed all these things because they were a part of the place where we had met. I desired them because they were a part of her. I loved them because they were a part of us.  
  
Gradually I realized that I was travelling a familiar path. I raised my head and from the ground I was staring at and beheld the church where I had met Aeris. No roof remained on the building and the rest of it seemed to have collapsed in on it, but it was definitely the church where I became Aeris' bodyguard. I climbed the fallen stones and wood with my arms out to balance myself. Still, I lost my footing and went sprawling headfirst. I landed on something soft. I rose up and took in a quick breath. There was the flower garden that Aeris herself had been tending to when we met. And there, standing tall and proud of its beauty and resilience was a beautiful rose. My mind saw Aeris and the flower and Aeris became the flower. Everything that I had seen in my journey came rushing at me at the speed of light. I saw destruction and death, lovers torn from each other's arms. A tear rolled down my cheek and my hand felt for the dagger at my belt. I held the blade in front of my eyes and it was Aeris also. The tears were flowing like a river now and I turned the dagger to my chest. Soon I will be with her, I thought to myself and through my tears I smiled. So soon now. I pressed the point against my chest, lightly, and felt the coolness of the metal. I looked to the raging sun and I cursed him that he saw Aeris' death and did not do anything about it. I cursed every living thing under the sun. As I continued to rave, I gathered my strength, gritted my teeth, and prepared to send my loving dagger into my heart. I was ready and this was the end. The blade came closer and- "Cloud?"  
  
I lost my concentration and the dagger fell to the ground. I knew that voice so well. A voice that had brought so much comfort and warmth. A voice that I had hurt and deceived.  
  
"Tifa?"  
  
I barely had time to say anything more before she had wrapped me in her arms. I was covered in a flurry of kisses and drenched with tears. She pressed herself against me so hard and refused to let go. I sat there on my knees, indifferent to it all, still crying. Pride no longer existed for me.  
  
"Oh, thank god, thank god, thank god..." is all that Tifa would say as she held me. "What are you doing here?" I asked her with a voice devoid of life.  
  
"I've been looking for you for so long, so long, so long!" She pressed me tighter and continued to cry.  
  
"Thank god I got to you in time!"  
  
"Why are you crying?"  
  
"When I saw you screaming, with that dagger in your hand, I thought I'd never reach you in time! I thought I had lost you for good! Don't ever do that to me again Cloud! Never again! Please, don't ever scare me like that again!"  
  
She buried her head in my chest where the knife had met my flesh for a moment and her tears fell against it. Slowly my hands cam up from my sides and I enfolded her in my arms and squeezed her as tightly as I could. Her hair fell about us both and our tears fell into each other.  
  
"Oh god, Cloud, what can I do to help you?" She said this as she raised her head and stared into me with her large, begging, brown eyes. I knew now what I had to do.  
  
"There is still one place I need to go. Will you come with me?" Tifa released me for a moment and stood. She helped me to my feet and her arms were around me again. She held me like a frightened child clings to his mother. Together we mounted the pile of rubble. We balanced each other. I stopped and turned to catch one last glance of the garden.  
  
"It's gone." I said softly. The shining garden with the proud, solitary, unnatural rose had left me. Something like that might have bothered anyone else. They might begin to think that they had lost their mind. I was not frightened by the thought of losing my mind. I had lost so many other important things in the past.  
  
"What's gone?" Tifa asked. She followed the direction of my eyes to the spot where she had found me on my knees with a dagger pointed at my chest. She looked at me, realizing that she would not receive an answer and merely squeezed me tighter. I was grateful. Despite the terrible midday sun, my body had become icy cold. Her flesh pressed tight against mine warmed me. Together, we left Midgar in perfect silence. Neither of us could find any words to describe the feelings that attacked us. If we had said anything during that time, it would have meant nothing. Words did not exist at the time. Life was all that remained at the time. Fragile life that could be crushed like the tiniest of insects.  
  
We came to the top of an enormous hill and we surveyed the land around us. It reminded me of the days at the beginning of our journey when we were leaving Midgar. The rolling countryside spoke to me of travellers searching for a man in a black cape. The ground beneath me told me a tale of foolish children who thought they could save the world. Back then; I never stopped to think that saving the world did not mean eternal joy, happiness, and love. No, saving the world meant allowing evil to continue.  
  
Those fields showed me another vision too. Huge and metallic, the airship Highwind lay before Tifa and me. It was perfect and glowing like it did when I first saw it. The injuries it received during the adventure had been healed.  
  
"Cid had it repaired. It's perfect again." Tifa said without enthusiasm. She raised her hands to her face and wiped the wetness away from under her bloodshot eyes and her heavenly tear stained cheeks. I wondered for a moment, what would make an angel cry? I had little time to think because, racing toward us, as we approached the Highwind, was a familiar face. He was a rugged, tough, poorly shaven, spear-wielding pilot known as Cid Highwind. He was happy to see me.  
  
"CLOUD!" He yelled as he wrapped his arms around me and consequently, the stubborn Tifa also. I had never seen Cid give someone a hug. He had always been so...rough.  
  
"Where the hell have you been? It's been ages since I last saw you! I would be sitting around sometimes and I would say to myself, "Man, things are boring today. Where's that punk with the spiky hair? Ha! OH! You have to take a look at the Highwind! I've gotten everything im-"  
  
"Cid, please." Tifa continued walking and I was with her. Cid held his hands up.  
  
"Whaaat?" He asked.  
  
"It's been a rough day, Cid."  
  
Soon, all three of us were inside of the Highwind again. The Highwind was another memory. The place we stood that day had the same smell of well oiled machinery and the same power throbbing beneath our feet as the ship that carried us around the world to defeat Sephiroth. Cid showed me my quarters and then took Tifa and I to the kitchen. Tifa released me long enough for us to have a meal. I did not eat much.  
  
Tifa would not sleep by herself either. She came with me to my rooms and lay down with me on the bed. She held me close to her and I stared into her brown eyes until they closed in sleep. I laughed in my head. It seemed so easy when you watched someone else do it. I pried myself from her arms and wandered around the ship for hours. When I returned to my room and flicked on the lights I found Tifa sitting up on the bed, clutching a pillow against her chest, and crying her heart out. I sat down beside her and, for a moment, neither of us spoke. She just cried and I thought of how calming the hum of the engines was.  
  
"Why?" Tifa asked suddenly.  
  
"Huh?" I asked, awakening from my thoughts about the ship's engine.  
  
"Why would you want to do such a thing?" I could hardly understand her, as she tried to talk around her sobbing.  
  
"I think I know, but I need you to say it Cloud! Please!"  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"Tell me why you want to have a knife in your chest! Tell me why you want to die so that I can help you! I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong! Tell me!"  
  
"I can't Tifa."  
  
"Please, Cloud". She put a hand on my arm and reached down into my soul with her dark eyes. I began to speak, quietly and quickly.  
  
"I wanted to kill myself because for the past five years I have wandered this world in search of whatever my soul was missing. All I have seen in five years of travelling is sadness and death. We didn't save the world. We only gave the old evil, hatred, more time to exist. Tifa, I miss having friends. I miss life. I miss Aeris. But most of all, I miss love." Her sobbing stopped but her tears flowed silently. She put her pillow aside and wrapped her arms around me. "Oh Cloud...I love you."  
  
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Not everyday you see Cloud thinking about killing himself, eh? Hope you liked it.  
  
Please R&R 


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